party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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