Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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