So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
