dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
