Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
