Don't make out with my wife yet
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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