we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
