i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
