Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
