I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
