Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
