Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
