Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
