I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
