im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
it's like heaven, but drunker
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
