How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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