Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
