I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
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She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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