I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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