he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
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I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
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The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
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