90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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