She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
