So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
