The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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