It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
