I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
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You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
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There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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