Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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