Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
