You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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