my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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