fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
