2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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