This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
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