i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
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we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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