I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize