So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
