when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
