i need an iv and a liver transplant
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
