We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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