I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
