i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
