I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize