I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
