I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
