My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
