The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
