dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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