He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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