I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
