Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
