this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Pooping to opera.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
