I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
