he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
