I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
