If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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